Mom Sent Me A List Of Things I Need To Know Before I Move Out.. Yeah, I’m “Moving Out”

So this list was brought to my attention.. It’s called the Bubble List it’s a list of things your son should know before he moves out.. (My mom sent it to me) which is laughable because it assumes I’m moving out.. when really I’m just waiting for my mom to furnish the basement so it can be my adult apartment, or my man-child lair. However you want to look at it. Anyway let me flex my skills:

The Bubble List

1. Write a check
I’m not 100%.. but I’m right there at 80. Spelling out numbers on checks is fucking weird.

2. Pay a bill
Do I ignore my student loans? Everybody does. I’ve paid oil and electricity, that counts.

3. Make travel arrangements
If you don’t know how to book a flight.. I mean it’s the 21st Century, they literally have apps for that.

4. Navigate an airport, train or bus station
Does anybody know how to do this. No matter how prepared you think you are, I guarantee you miss your gate and end up running for a flight at least once in your life.

5. Deal with a cancelled flight
Ok. I’ll admit, last time I had to deal with a flight cancellation, I rolled up in the corner of Philadelphia International, shit my pants, and accepted my fate: wasting away by the Auntie Ann’s in the Philly airport with no return home in sight.

6. Take a taxi

7. Catch the subway
Never in New York City, I’ll never ever, ever, understand that place.

8. Plunge a toilet

9. Change a tire
I’m a man, I’ll figure it out.

10. Check the oil

11. Shave with a razor

12. Withdraw cash from an ATM
Yeah, but, my mom’s always telling me not to spend my money.. So.. Stop sending me mixed messages, mom.

13. Pay for dinner
I’m a gentleman.

14. Self-prescribe over the counter meds
Every situation calls for Purple Drank. Whether you’re feeling great or real shitty.

15. Call a doctor

You’re weak if you can’t look a number up online.

16. Cook a meal
I’m not Bobby Flay, but I know my way around an instant meal.

17. Cancel a membership
To the gym, every other month.

18. Buy clothes
I’m a strong independent male.

19. Return a purchase
I’m the king of borrowing things from H&M for 1-2 wears.

20. Pack a suitcase (without inspection)
Yeah.. but the real artistry here is re-packing on the way back. Not being able to fit your shit on the way back is one of the mysteries of the universe.

21. Do the laundry
I can do it, but I’m really bad at stains.

22. Iron a shirt

23. Go food shopping for themselves

24. Negotiate a deal

One time I haggled a man for 100 stuffed animals at a yard sale, got him down to $5 and spread cheer to all of Amherst.

25. Make hospital corners

What are hospital corners, per say?

26. Sew a button

How can I learn to do this when you sew my buttons back on every time.. Sewing on buttons is simple in theory.. but try doing it yourself, it’s a fucking alien task.  

27. Remove a stain

I think I learned this from Curb.. is it salt, then soda water? Or soda water, salt?

28. Replace a fuse

Yeah, but I’ll never understand why I can’t run the microwave and toaster at the same time.. it’s fucked.

29. Remove a splinter

Epson salt. Nailed it.

30. Enjoy a drink responsibly

Or 12, irresponsibly.

31. Say “no” with confidence


I’m ready for my basement apartment, mom.


I’m never growing up.