Cosmopolitan’s ’16 Men Straight Guys Find Objectively Attractive’ List Was Clearly Written By A Straight Woman..
Here I am fucking around with Snapchat Discover (the new best part of Snapchat) and I decide after getting my fill of some ESPN, that I’m going to get some Cosmopolitan in my life, only because I think it’s really important to see how the other half lives. Reading Cosmo is like my #1 tool in understanding women. Anyway, I come across this list 16 Men That Straight Guys Find Objectively Attractive by Frank Kobola.. Well, I have come to the conclusion that this “Frank Kobola” is either a robot.. or a straight woman.. this list is absolutely horrendous. It’s a fucking mess..
1. Channing Tatum
“He’s funny and nonthreatening. He’s the kind of guy who I’d want to go to the gym with me if I wanted to learn how to bulk up, because he’d probably be knowledgeable and encouraging and nonjudgmental. Plus, if I’m being honest, I’d rather see him in the showers afterward than the weird old guys in my gym that walk around naked. I’m not saying I want to see him naked; I’m just saying I’d definitely rather see him naked than a weird old guy. Still a mark in the plus column, if you ask me.”
Alright start. Channing Tatum is like top 3 people I would trade lives with right now. Just watched She’s The Man last night.. he was a stud then and is a stud now. Guy’s on top of his game.
2. Ryan Gosling
“This guy was in Drive, and if you don’t like that movie I will literally fight you. He’s also in an indie band that’s a lot better than a band helmed by a famous actor has any right to be (I’m looking at you Dogstar and 30 Seconds to Mars). I would kiss this dude on the mouth and not even feel weird about it (all right, I’d probably feel a little weird).”
First of all, NAILED IT! My love for the Gos has been documented, definitely got shanked out of the number one spot. “I would kiss this dude on the mouth and not even feel weird about it.” Nope, that’s definitely weird. Unless you’re gay, then, that’s cool.
3. Zac Efron
“Yeah, I get it. He’s probably kind of a bro, but if this were ancient Greece, people would be making marble statues of him and shit.”
I get the appeal.. but as a straight guy… I’m not objectively attracted to Zac Efron. Definitely not a 3 spot candidate.
4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
You have got to be fucking kidding me, Kobola. Chicks find him attractive, gay guys find him attractive, straight guys don’t.. it probably doesn’t help his cause that I can’t stand him, but I digress.
5. Chris Pratt
“This is the kind of guy I want to eat pizza, drink beer, and play Mario Kart with forever. He gets bonus points for being in Guardians of the Galaxy. Also, I understand you’re all going crazy for his new abs.”
Kobola nails this one on the head.. Chris Pratt is a bro, plain and simple.. not a heart throb.. not a man crush.. but someone you want to grab a beer with a play fun video games with, and maybe go on road trips and shit. As much as I love this guy, there’s no space on the list for him.
6. Ryan Reynolds
“Maybe I’m still high off the fumes of Van Wilder, but the man is goddamn charming.”
Get rid of the beard, bro. But other than that.. He’s a top three candidate with the Gos and Channing Tatum… Have you seen Definitely Maybe?? Kobola clearly doesn’t know men.
7. Vin Fucking Diesel
This is such a fucking joke.
Alright, fuck off, Kobola.
9. Paul Rudd
Love this guy. Paul Rudd is fuckinggg hilarious. Slappin the bass, going ham in 40 Year Old Virgin,I Love You Man. But I mean come on, is he a dude I’ll put up for an MCM.. is he a dude that will have my girlfriend question my sexuality? Nah. A bro though? Definitely yes.
10. Justin Timberlake
“he’s hands-down the best SNL guest in recent memory. The man is an old-school, multi-talented entertainer. I bet he smells like pine needles.”
Arguably the worst pic of JT ever. This guy definitely belongs on this list, maybe even higher then the ten spot. JT’s a quadruple threat. Kills the game. “I bet he smells like pine needles.” That’s a little weird, dont you think Frank? I bet he smells like Polo, or maybe Chanel 5.
11. The Rock
“He’s hot because he seems like if he were your neighbor he’d come over and just have a BBQ with you. Maybe I’m confusing “cool” and “hot,” or maybe the hottest thing someone can do is be down-to-earth and comfortable with who they are. Think about that before you angrily tweet at me that his head looks like a toe with hair.”
No, Frank.. You are definitely confusing “hot” with “cool” The Rock is like the last guy I’d put on this list. Fucking unbelievable pick, Frank.
12. Chris Hemsworth
Nope, Liam Hemsworth all day, eryday.
13. Daniel Craig
Again, worst pic you could find. But.. I mean.. come on.. he’s the best James Bond ever. He’s suave, rugged, and always get’s his girl. So of course he’s on this list.
14. Josh Hartnett
Yawn.. get him the fuck out of here. “Whatever.” is right.
15. Idris Elba
Um, what? Did you run out of ideas, Frank?
16. Andrew fucking Garfield
“If he’s attractive enough for Emma Stone, he’s attractive enough for me.”
This list got out of hand, Frank, and you know it. Andrew Garfield is a fucking nerd.. Is having Emma Stone as a girlfriend a qualifying factor??? Andrew Garfield isn’t even in the top 1,000,000! Unbelievable.
Where the fuck was Tom Brady? Dave Franco? Matthew fucking McConaughey??? Brad Pitt? David Beckham? John Hamm? Andrew Garfield fucking made this list over those guys??
Lay off the hard stuff, Frank.