If You Didn’t Already Know.. I’m Well On My Way To The Summer Camp Kickball Hall Of Fame

#TBT to when I dominated parking lot kickball

A post shared by Sam Hannon (@elmontablanca) on

If you didn’t already know, I’m an absolute ace kickball pitcher. A savage animal who feeds his opponents a steady diet of untouchable curveballs and meaty fastballs. You may have heard the whispers through the grape vines, the speculation, the hype.. everyone’s wondering, nay, calling me the Clayton Kershaw of day camp kickball.

I’m sure you’re full of questions right now.. like: “Sam, did you throw a no-hitter in the Instagram video above?” Is that even a question? Of course I did.. or, “what’s your career ERA?” Umm 0.00. All I have to do is yell “CURVEBALL” on the delivery, and I have these kids shaking in their tiny boots.. the second they hear the word “curve” they know they don’t have a chance, so they just close their eyes, flail their limbs and hope that maybe, just maybe, they get a piece of the ball.

Now this might be 100000% hypothetical.. but if day camp kickball was an american professional sport that only allowed 8 year olds and tall full grown male muscle bound designated pitchers.. My contract would look kind of like this: 7-years, $200,000,000.. a dollar less and I’d consider it a slap in the face.

Every time I sit some poor kid down I just wanna say this


and chase them while yelling “LOSER” at them through a traffic cone like Will Ferrell in Kicking and Screaming…

PS – You’ve never seen form like this before..

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If I was on the other end of this.. I’d be absolutely terrified.