Mr. Madness Absolutely Delivered With This March Madness Post.. Pretty Much Making You Look Stupid For Paying ESPN To Be An “Insider”

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Alright you degenerates! You’re fucking lucky I don’t charge you for these inside tips. But Mr. Madness AKA Señor Marzo AKA The Tourney Wizard absolutely delivered with this post. Broke it down for you in terms you can understand.. gave you some upsets to look for.. which if I were you I’d lock them in to your bracket 100%. So enjoy..

MR. MADNESS –

So, I’m the resident basketball expert, which is flattering. Unfortunately, Sam forgot the single most important (and enticing) thing about March Madness.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: I didn’t forget shit.)

For three weeks, there are no experts.

There’s a reason why they call it March Madness. Even the professionals who make their livelihood analyzing college basketball can (and do) fall on their face come tournament time. Personally, that’s the main reason why it’s my single favorite sporting event on planet earth. For me, nothing comes close. Not the World Cup, not the Olympics, not the Super Bowl, not even if they had dodgeball on ESPN 8: The Ocho.

So I won’t pretend to know what’s going to happen over the next three weeks, but I will give you a few tips and general pieces of advice to try to beat the odds and have a perfect bracket. Sidenote: If you are a sentient, living, breathing human being, you should take a few minutes to fill out a bracket on Yahoo! and participate in Warren Buffet’s billion bracket challenge. You’ve got nothing to lose and just as good a chance as anyone. Some random tween Belieber who doesn’t even know what a Tar Heel or a Blue Devil is could pick a perfect bracket. And if she does, not only will she get a billion dollars, but I’ll also give up on writing about sports for the rest of my life. So without further ado, some tips, tricks, and predictions for March Madness 2014.

  1. Who’s the hottest?

As is the case with most sports, the champion is more often the hottest team rather than the best team. Just ask the 2011 UCONN Huskies, who won the Big East Tournament (5 games in 5 nights) and then carried that momentum all the way to the national championship. A hot team is, in most cases, just as dangerous as a good team.

WeekendWarrior: Who’s hot, who’s not?

Mr. Madness: Two teams come to mind.. UCLA and Virginia. UCLA is 26-8 and just beat Arizona in the Pac-12 conference championship. And anytime you beat a team that ends up being a 1 seed going into the tourney, you’re hot. Virginia just beat Duke in the ACC championship game. Not a bad way to go into the tourney. They’re 28-6. They’re hot too.

  1. It’s in the Guards

In the NBA, winning the title is about protecting the rim and getting defensive stops (provided that you already have a superstar, of course). In March Madness, guard play has consistently dominated the narrative of the tournament. Since I started watching in 2001, the list of guards that have dazzled is impressive; Jay Williams (Duke), Juan Dixon (Maryland), Dwyane Wade (Marquette), Jameer Nelson and Delonte West (Saint Joseph), Steph Curry (Davidson), Derrick Rose (Memphis), Kemba Walker (UCONN), and Peyton Siva (Louisville), just to name a few. Look for teams with great guards.

WeekendWarrior: Who are the top three teams to look for guard wise?

Mr. Madness: Arizona, Louisville, and probably ‘Cuse.

WeekendWarrior: Duke’s not in the top 3 for you?

Mr. Madness: I was going to say Duke instead of Syracuse.. but Jabari’s more of a forward.. and also fuck Duke.. just in general.

WeekendWarrior: I don’t think Syracuse will go past the round of 32.

Mr. Madness: They’ll go to the Sweet Sixteen for sure.

WeekendWarrior: I was just testing you.

  1. Upsets WILL happen, but they also WON’T happen

Don’t let yourself swing too far towards picking the Davids or the Goliaths. There will be a handful of upsets, so splatter them throughout your bracket and find a happy medium. Also, when picking upsets, look for teams that are very well coached, rather than just super-athletic (for example, if you want a dangerous team that could make a run to the Final Four, look at Michigan State and head coach Tom Izzo instead of freshmen-heavy Kentucky).

And last but not least….

  1. No one knows anything.

I don’t know the exact odds of picking a perfect bracket (EDITOR’S NOTE: 1 in 9 quintillion), but honestly, I prefer it that way. The prospect of truly not knowing who will win is one of the best parts about any sport, but it’s especially true with March Madness (and even more so this year, without a single juggernaut team, like Kentucky was two years ago). Don’t stress about your bracket, and don’t get too upset if it goes up in flames before the first weekend is over. It happens. It’ll happen to everyone.

This may change before Thursday, but as of right now, my Final Four is comprised of Michigan State, Florida, Wisconsin, and Louisville. Write it down, lock it in, whatever phrase I might use here, just be prepared to possibly watch none of those teams actually make it. I love March Madness.

Two upset specials: Harvard over Cinncinati in the first round, and UMASS over Duke in the second round. Yeah, that’s right, there’s some serious Boston pride flowing on this Saint Paddy’s Day Monday. I’m over here studying abroad in London thinking of all the Guinness and Irish car bombs being consumed back home. Shoutout to all the Beantown homies. And besides, who doesn’t love to root against Duke?

WeekendWarrior: Yeah, fuck Duke.

Mr. Madness: Fuck them.

So that’s all I’ve got for today. There will be many more March Madness and NBA posts to come over the next few weeks. Thanks to Sam for letting me aboard this digital voyage that is Break Room News. Happy to be here.

Last thing I’ll say: when you’re watching the games this month, really look at how much these kids care and leave it all out on the court. The vast majority of them will never play organized sport once they’ve graduated, and for every team except one, this tournament will end in horrible, agonizing finality. But that’s why it’s so great. That’s why it’s the best. No contracts, no overpaid superstars, no egos. This is the culmination of years of practice and hard work, and ultimately, filling out a bracket is just a supplement to watching them compete.

Happy Saint Paddy’s Day, y’all.

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