20 Things Men Do That Women Probably Don’t Know About

I fucking love this list, you know why? Because lists like these rarely NAIL IT quite like this one did. I literally did every single one of these things today, before I read this. This is the kind of thing where you honestly think they’re talking about you every step of the way..

20 Things Men Do That Women Probably Don’t Know About

1. Flush mid pee and race the toilet.

Yes. If you haven’t done this, you probably have no competitive spirit. Also, I do this because I like to flush and then try to get all me pee down with the flush. It’s just kind of fun. Idk. I laughed.

2. Instead of using twist-ties to close bread, just spin the open end of the back and tuck it underneath.

FUCK TWIST-TIES, literally ain’t nobody got time for that. Biggest fucking waste of time un-twisting those things.. sometimes I start twisting them the wrong way and end up just getting so frustrated that I want to punch the loaf of bread. 100% of the time I just spin the bag and tuck it.. and if I come back to eat me some bread later and the twist-tie has been reinstated.. I’ll probably lose my shit.

bread clips


Nope, I actually hate you too, bread clips.. I break you in half.. spin annnd motherfuckin tuck.

3. When I’m in the shower, I like to cup the water to my chest then watch it splash to the floor.

Such a real thing that happens in my every shower session. I love the sound it makes too. I always do this and meat spin water toss.

4. Entering Beast Mode running up stairs while alone.

Stairs are a free workout.. sometimes I justify not going to the gym solely on whether or not I think I had a good stair day. Have to flex the glutes and explode up those stairs. I don’t care what setting you’re in, office, school, work, whatever.. if you’re not sweating after ascending some good stairs, you’re not doing it right.

5. Fantasized about their female friends. Yes… all of them.

Umm.. the average male thinks about sex every 7 seconds.. so yes to this one. Sorry that I think about sex every 7 seconds. Doesn’t matter where I am. If I’m in the kitchen, whatever, ok preheat the oven to 425, sex, marinate the meat, sex, you think about sex every 7 seconds.. not my fault, blame this one on science.

6. Thought about freezing time…. and then doing naughty things to people.

This one’s a classic.. You show me one person who hasn’t pondered clock-stopping naughtiness.. and I’ll show you a liar.

7. Every man has woken up with morning wood and had to do the leaning tower of piza to hit the toilet.

Unless you’re a fuckboi and you don’t care about getting piss in and around your mouth and bathroom. Pivot at the hip or you’ll end up like the 40 Year-Old Virign.

8. Checked online to see if their length is adequate.

Umm.. I check everyday.. science is always changing things up.. some days average size is north of 4.5 inches.. some days its north of 5 or 6 inches.. today average size is 5.57 inches. Solid! Great news for this guy! And to think I always used to yell at my parents for not blessing me with horse cock. Above average, it turns out! Ha!

9. All men at one point in their lives have given the Nod to another man for one reason or another. They have also given it to a woman, only to receive a look of confusion.

Nothing like connecting with a bro from across the room with a little head nod. It’s like our form of communicating. One bro throws a nod that says “I’m too drunk to know if this girl on me is hot or not” and the other bro throws a nod that says “she’s hot, I’d pull the trigger if I were you”. Girls don’t understand it at all.. it’s like some ancient secret language that has been lost with bro scholars.

10. Blow your nose into hands in the shower.

“Ew gross.. I would never.” No. Always. Nothing is more liberating.

11. Waft the bed covers to unsheathe a fart.

I only do this when I have women in the bed.. pure and unadulterated savagery!

12. While peeing tried to cover the entire surface of water with pee bubbles. 


13. When I write a comment on a girls facebook, I re-read it a million times after sending it to make sure it doesn’t sound dumb.

… and then it does.

Say it out loud a few times. I fucking love the “edit” option. Make some quick changes before that chick even realizes.. fine tune it a little.

14. Imagine how you would save your work place, school or whatever from terrorists.

Everyday I spend at least an hour plotting different ways of becoming a hero. Maybe my dreams of being an international hero are way to big.

15. Looked at their poop when they finished. I mean sometimes you just need to enjoy the masterpiece you just created.

This answer isn’t going to be pretty.. so if you don’t want to talk poop.. scroll down to 16 and continue on.

I only look at the ones that physically hurt me. The ones that just shock the butthole. The ones where I make noises that I didn’t know were possible. Where I look in the mirror while I’m washing my hands after and just try not cry, because it feels like I was just “touched”. Those are the poops that I look at, because they earned my respect.

16. Watch romantic comedies alone.

Ryan and I watched Sliver Linings Playbook the other night by ourselves.

I won’t ever admit it, but I love watching romantic comedies alone.

My top 3:

1. The Notebook (kind of a stretch for the romantic comedy category)

2. Silver Linings Playbook

3. Definitely Maybe

17. Take off my underwear and then kick it up to my hand and feel like a goddamn ninja master.

I mean it’s these points that make this list. I would have never thought of this one. But this happens all the time.. I would even swap out “ninja master” for “motherfuckin’ sorcerer” because that’s how I feel.

18. Deleted their search history.

Do you want people to know that you looked at midget porn once? No, neither do I.

Screen Shot 2014-03-14 at 5.20.43 PM

“Ice Cold Tits p2” that’s embarrassing.. I don’t even remember Ice Cold Tits.. I was pretty drunk last night.

19. Aim your pee at the edge of the toilet water or higher to avoid people knowing your pissing.

I don’t even know why I do this, but I do.

20. Trying to see how far away you can get whilst taking a pee and keeping it in the bowl.

This list is all about peeing. I always did this until I tripped and pissed all over my pants.

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