Esquire Writer Giulia Rozzi’s “9 Steps To Dating Like Cowardly Drone” Just Left My Jaw On The Floor

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This following article is written by Esquire’s Giulia Rozzi, followed by my responses (in bold)

ESQUIRE –

1.

Become Facebook friends and follow each other on Twitter.

This is the paramount first step 100% of the time.

2.

Like or fav stuff that they post.Unless you want to seem super eager, do not like and fav everything she posts.  However if you’re into messing with a girl’s mind, like and fav everything she posts every day for a month and then suddenly stop. Women love inconsistency.

Have to.  Must like as much as you can without coming off as a stalker.  But then again, sometimes you have to be aggressive to get what you want.  I know that “Women love inconsistency.” is sarcasm.. but inconsistency keeps them on edge. Don’t be afraid to be mysterious.

3.

Comment on something she posts.“Haha” is a great safe first comment, just be sure what she posted was meant to be funny. You don’t want to write “haha” on her “getting this lump looked at” check-in. You can “LOL” or “LMAO” if that’s more your style, but let’s be honest are you really laughing out loud? Did your ass really come off from laughing? Most likely the answer is no, so why build this new fake relationship on a lie? Warning, do not “haha” and “LOL” too much because then you’ll encourage her to be funny and no guy wants a girl who’s funnier than them .

When you feel ready to kick the flirting up a notch, toss a  “HAWT!” comment on a her most recent profile photo. If you have intense intimacy issues be sure to only compliment the photos of women who live in other countries reducing the risk that you will ever have legit human interaction. (Pro tip! The best place for low-risk interaction with European women is Instagram. Simply search the hashtags #selfie #girl or #wheresmydad and you’ll be led to a plethora of girls just begging for a flame Emoji to be posted on their most recent “just woke up” self-portrait).

I think “#wheresmydad” says daddy problems.  That will most likely lead you to women with daddy issues.. very emotionally vulnerable.

4.

Facebook message them or DM them and start chatting. This is your opportunity to say anything because it’s typed to a two dimensional photo and not spoken out loud to their human face so be bold! Avoid having personal conversations on her Facebook wall or via public Tweets UNLESS your desperate need for attention can only be fulfilled by personal public conversations that everyone including your friends, exes, co-workers and parents can see.

This step is all about charming the pants off of her.  FB Message.. be witty get a nice rapport going.. a good back and forth.

5.

If the chat flirting goes well, ask for her number and suggest you “hang out sometime.”  Do not, I repeat, do not be clear and upfront and ask them on a date, that’s sooooooo 2013. Also do not suggest a day, time, or location, be as vague as possible. The more casual you make it, the less obligation you have to actually follow through on anything you say.

Wait, every step this chick writes is exactly what I do.. It’s like she found my “playbook”.  Supes casual, chicks will dig casual.. and then turn the moves on.. candle light.. make the date sound casual and then turn on the romance.. make it very over the top.. chicks love curveballs.. they won’t even know how they feel after.   

6.

Text her. Much like chat this is another place to be bold because you’re just a robot typing letters into a machine to another robot. Tone gets misinterpreted, questions can be ignored, smiley faces and “xo’s” can be used to soften the blow of what is otherwise a rude statement- it’s so great! Feeling lonely? Text her! Feeling horny? Text her! Feeling lonely and horny? Text her! Can’t express your true feelings because you’re a thoughtless narcissist? Text her a bunch of random emojis! And if all goes well, text her “let’s get a drink” after 10pm the night you want to get a drink, women just swoon over a man who treats them like an afterthought.

Warning, if she calls you run! Anyone who calls anyone means they have the potential to be…oh dear Lord no…emotionally available! And bros know that chicks who have feelings are nuts. Unless you’re some weirdo who actually enjoys the sound of another person’s voice as opposed to communicating via thumbs emoji + ice cream emoji + weird Polynesian emoji text.

Alright… all chicks are nuts.. so you have to know that going into it.  Once you get the number and shoot a text, to me that’s game over.  Clay in the hands, ready to mold the situation into anything you want it to be.

7.

Meet! Pick a bar, ideally a loud one, perhaps even so loud you have to revert to texting to communicate. Start talking, like with your voice. Don’t worry, I know it’s scary but luckily your in-person convo will be brief and boring, because nearly everything you each share will be met with the response of, “Yeah I saw that online.” For example:

“I work at a law firm”

“Yeah, I saw that online.”

“I know kale is in but I still prefer spinach.”

“Yeah, I saw that online.”

“I’m pregnant with Bigfoot’s baby”

“Yeah, I saw that online.”

Before you know it, your non-date date has become you staring at your empty glasses wishing you could go back to that first magical moment where she accepted friend request.

Look I don’t rely on social media alone.. you have to have good conversational skills, you have to have a good sense of humor. Never want to end up looking at your glass like a Glansberg.

8.

Disappear: Really there is no need to follow up after your date. If you contact her, that means you’re interested in seeing her again which could lead to a genuine relationship which could lead to maturity…gross! I mean if you’re really curious as to how she’s doing just go online. Obviously she’s not dead or anything if she just RT’d a great dating article from Esquire.com. And you can always toss her a like or fav to show “we cool.”

Okay.. well I just realized this was all sarcasm.. because for a second I agreed that contacting a girl after a date could show interest and lead to an adult relationship, general fear. Maturity.. gross!

9.

Die alone.

Well, okay, valid.. I often times joke about dying alone.. but it is a real fear of mine.. haha.. ha.

But how dare you publish this!! My goddamn trade secrets! I’ve written like 100 pages of my book about how foolproof these dating procedures are.. and you dare publish this? Well I’m ripping up the transcript right now because of you, Esquire. Thanks a lot.

Blah blah blah Social Networks are such a cowardly way to get girls. They’re the best way.  Contrary to Esquire’s belief that liking a photo doesn’t do anything.  It does everything.  It says, “hey, I liked your photo, I’m here, I’m ready, and I’m interested.” Girls love mind games. They buy into social media like you wouldn’t believe.  That’s where we are as a society. Whether it’s sad that we’ve gotten to this point or not.. this is how it goes now, this is what we do.  I defy you to judge me, Esquire.  

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