The 2014 Winter Olympics: Opening Ceremony

First, we all knew Team USA was going to be balling out, absolute fire sweaters:


This is what Yahoo!Sports had to say….

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C’mon, you know it.

First off, it looked like they were wearing polka dots inside the stadium. Second, the sweaters themselves look like something your senile aunt knitted while binge listening to Toby Keith albums.

But most importantly: The turtlenecks … the high-priced preppy sweaters … the white pants.

Congratulations, America, you’re the villain in a raunchy ski comedy. Just go ahead and change your name to Blaine.” -Yahoo!Sports

Absolute and utter lunacy.. do you know nothing??  Those sweaters are amazing, they’re 100% in.. I can see that some people dealt with their “not being able to get their hands on a limited edition Team USA Cardigan” frustration differently.  “Maybe if I convince people that these cardigans are ugly, I won’t feel so bad about not being able to get my mitts on one.”

Those Cardigans were absolute winners.. In fact, even though I knew they’d be a fortune, I heard they were “Limited Edition” and rushed to the Ralph Lauren site only to find that two minutes after the Opening Ceremony they were sold out, everything but the stupid scarfs.  Fuck that, I deserve that sweater.  So America! Fuck you Ralph Lauren, I know you’ll make more you money hungry bastard.

Next favorite part was this Cadillac commercial:

This is the most badass commercial I’ve ever seen.. should have been a Super Bowl commercial, but Cadillac wanted to save it for the Olympics.. maybe it’s because it’s all about how America is better than everyone else.. “Were we nuts when we pointed to the moon? That’s right, we went up there. And you know what we got…? bored.  So we left, got a car up there left the keys in it.. Do you know why? Because we’re the only ones going back up there, that’s why.”  Unreal.

Another great jacket that I need.  Definitely have to give an award to Tonga and their palm tree jackets, nothing says I’m owning the Winter Olympics like palm trees.. I don’t want this jacket, I NEED it, just like the Team USA Cardigan.


Let’s switch over to the hosts a little Russia:

First off, great music from start to finish pretty much just european trance music, ton of techno.. anything to hypnotize the crowd.. bet you it was 100% Putin’s call with the music.

The dancing deserved an A++, just fucking phenomenal:

Putin couldn’t have seemed less excited when Russia came out, which leads me to believe that this whole thing is just a distraction, part of his plan for world domination.  Anyway, he and this lady were on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum when Russia was walking out onto the track:

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Putin looked like he would have rather been hunting tigers or fighting off packs of wolves with a crossbow in the depths of a Russian forest.  Just not a lot of emotions for Putin, tonight.. clap game C- and that’s pretty generous.

The fucking dance was straight out of a bad shroom trip:

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These ladies were fucking weird, most of them were blazing hot.. but the outfits were weird.. very Sochi.. Very Russia…

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And this Russian dude won the flag game tonight, had himself a handy holster.. man exerted close to no energy, great shoulder strap flag holder.

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Great first day of the Winter Olympics, a lot of promise.  LET THE GAMES BEGIN