Revenge Porn Might Be Illegal.. But Revenge Sex Isn’t

By Lisa Fogarty (, January 29, 2014

Most of us have been there. We come to the end of a long relationship with a person we trusted and loved and then — boom — just like that it’s over and we feel like someone dropped us flat on our faces. There’s a period of mourning that occurs after a relationship ends, but instead of seeking solitary confinement and sitting in a quiet room reflecting on old times and trying to move on, some of us pursue…uh, more social activities to try and cope with our anger and sadness. 

I’m talking about sex, folks. Rebound or revenge sex, to be more accurate. According to a recent study of 170 college-age students, one-third of people have revenge sex within one month of breaking up with a partner. Ah well, if you’re going to jump into that fire, at least make sure you’re following a few rules and doing it right. 

I’m not an advocate for rebound sex, especially when it comes to women and rebound sex. It is totally sexist – I KNOW — but I’m friends with several women who are as badass as they come and can eat sharks for lunch AND STILL had their hearts broken because they jumped into another sexual dalliance so soon after a bad break-up. 

With that said, I know there are some women — I know one in particular — who can pull this off. But those women have strict rules about how to engage in rebound sex — and they stick to their guns, no matter how vulnerable they may feel.

First off, I would love to meet these women that can eat sharks.. anyone that can eat sharks is cool by me. Second, “Revenge Sex” is terrible form.. and only women would come up with rules of engagement.. they’re like the people who wrote the treaties at the Geneva Convention.. men are like the ones that commit the war crimes.  We, and this is a blanket stereotype, run by the “rules were meant to be broken” doctrine.
This is kind of a weird article for a website that’s mostly for moms ( most of the articles are about baby advice and shit.. but revenge sex.. okay I think I know a enough about this to comment.. I don’t necessarily condone revenge sex.. very bad form.. But this is a chick article that needs a man’s response:
1. Your rebound partner should either be a stranger or a buddy who is NOT interested in you in any way other than as a sexual partner and maybe a cool person to chat with. It’s important that you have the option of not calling the next day unless you choose to do so.
Alright not bad, but here’s what “stir’s the pot” a little.. how about a close friend of your ex?  If you’re gonna play the game.. don’t play it wrong.  Nothing says, “You suck and you know it” like banging the friends.. like Dax Shepard once said, “Consider them all banged!”

2. Keep mum on most details about your personal life and especially details about your past relationship. This isn’t a therapy session.
Agreed.  I never try to bring up exs.. or personal stuff, just puts a damper on the mood.
3. Make sure you have rebound sex during the anger stage of your break-up and not during the sobbing, sad stage. In other words, wait a few weeks.
Look, I know the ladies like to time every thing.. 3 days to text, 3-5 dates before sex etc etc  But revenge sex could happen 2 minutes after a break-up.. there is no time restraint here.  And if you know that the relationship has been dwindling.. you have someone in the on-deck circle, people on the bench, waiting to get into the game.
4. Don’t flaunt your new sexual relationship in front of your ex. It reeks of desperation. Everyone, including your ex, will see right through you and parading him around like a circus animal isn’t fair to your rebound partner.
Sometimes I can’t decide if I care that flaunting it says desperation or not.  How else is it supposed to get back to your ex, and make them feel jealous.. sometimes when you don’t flaunt it, it takes way too long to get back around.  Here’s the play.. tell someone that’s close to one of their best-friends, do it nonchalantly.  Play games. Girls always say they “don’t want to play games.” Be assured.. they do, and they will.
5. If possible, have rebound sex at your partner’s house and not your own. A certain unnecessary intimacy builds just from him knowing that your toothbrush is blue.
Your bed, or bust.  Don’t travel to some distant land, where you don’t feel at home, where you don’t know if you have enough room to do your usual tricks.  If this is revenge sex.. it’ll be more vengeful if you do it in your bed. 
6. Use protection. Jeez, this goes without saying, right? You’re in the mood to be reckless — fine — have a few glasses of wine. But don’t mess with your health.
Does it go without saying? Serious question. 
7. Do not. I repeat, DO NOT have rebound sex with a friend of your ex’s. You are a good person going through a bad time. Don’t compromise your own reputation or how you’ll eventually feel about yourself when the clouds clear by sleeping with a soldier in the enemy’s army.
Woah.. how are we talking about reputation?? If you’re premeditating this event, planning “revenge sex” you’re a horrible person.  I mean if you’re really thinking about how you’re going to get back at your ex, trying to figure out who you’re going to do it with..
Here are my rules of engagement:
1) Pick someone that’s blazing hot… this is really important.
2) Shoot for an ex’s friend.. it’s called revenge sex for a reason
3) Have a soundtrack to bang too with all of “your songs” from your previous relationship: Usually some Shakira, Bruno Mars, Rihanna, maybe even some Hall & Oates.. Idk This rule is more of a “I’m moving on, on to the next one”
4) Subtweet the person

5) Tell someone who can’t keep their mouth shut.