Alright, Well Eli The Ape Picked The Seahawks And He’s Also On A 6-Super Bowl Streak

Eli the ape

(look at him, he looks so fucking dumb, what an idiot.)

AP Photo/Hogle ZooEli, an ape from Utah, picked the Seattle Seahawks to win the Super Bowl on Thursday. He has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner for six straight years.

SALT LAKE CITY — A Utah ape that has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner for six straight years predicted Thursday that the Seattle Seahawks will be the next NFL champion.

 Eli the ape ran into an enclosure Thursday morning and swiftly knocked down a papier-mache helmet bearing the Seahawks logo, signaling his pick, said Erica Hansen of Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City.

“He made his pick without any hesitation,” Hansen said.

That could mean bad news for Broncos fans. The 13-year-old primate hasn’t been wrong since 2006.

Last year, Eli charged out and knocked over a papier-mache goal post decorated with the Ravens logo. Sure enough, the Ravens beat the 49ers 34-31.

Eli’s pick this year drew mixed reactions from his team of zookeepers that include avid Broncos fans.

“They are hoping that this is his first wrong year,” Hansen said.

After he made his prognostication, Eli was joined by his mate, Eve, and daughter, Acara, and allowed to smash, play and eat the papier-mache helmets.

Hansen said interest and excitement about Eli’s Super Bowl pick has increased as his streak grows. This year, people have been asking daily when he’s making his pick.

“He’s better than the Vegas odds-makers,” Hansen said.

Well the plot thickens.  First Buffett the Manatee picked the Broncos, and I thought “Ok the Broncos are a lock this year.”  Now Eli the Ape comes out of the woodworks and picks the Seahawks without hesitation.  Here are the facts: Both Eli and Buffett have each correctly predicted the last 6 Super Bowls.  Buffett picked the Broncos, Eli picked the Seahawks.  One of them will wake up on monday morning in their little habitat and be shamed by onlookers for being a false prophet.  I mean maybe even killed by some guy who bet his life savings on either of their predictions. I don’t know.  All I know is one of them is the real deal.  One of them won’t ever be wrong.. I’m going Buffett the Manatee just because I feel like aquatic animals are better at sports predictions.  But that’s just me.

Here’s my conclusion.  To make this all a little more interesting I think Eli and Buffett should have a battle royal, to the death obviously.  It’ll be held in the Hunger Games Catching Fire Arena, totally realistic.. a little jungle, a lot of water, very neutral location.  I’m sure Buffett’ll have a chance, maybe establish a beach-head, construct some breathing apparatus with kelp, and hunt Eli the Ape and his family aggressively.  I’m sticking with Buffett.  Eli just looks like a fucking idiot.  Broncos still a lock.

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