Here’s What I’m Doing With The $636 Million Mega Millions Jackpot I’m Winning Tonight.


It’s stupid how lucky I feel right now.  Stupid luck.. it’s litterally oozing out of my smirk.  I found like 6 pennies yesterday all heads up.. Woke up yesterday morning and my arm was asleep.. phantom bate sesh?? I must be lucky.  I’m literally batting 1.000 in the luck game right now.. just lucky as fuck.  When you click the ‘I’m feeling Lucky’ button on Google it should send you right to a gif of me mouthing ‘lucky as fuck’.  So I am 100% winning tonight. No if, ands, or buts. 100%. I know this is exactly what I said last time the Jackpot was this high.  But this time is different. Last time I literally told everyone in the room that if I won the jackpot I was not going to be their friends anymore.. that I was moving on with my new found wealth, and leaving them “in the fucking dust”.  I was three numbers off, and they all told me to fuck off and left.  When I lost I felt this weird feeling of loss almost as if I was coming down from some weird drug, just depressed as fuck.  This year is different, I can feel a Christmas miracle, I can just feel it.. there’s electricity in the air.  I can’t wait to move to some tropical island and be a fuckboy for the rest of my life.

I don’t have a great concept of what things cost, but here’s what I’m spending my 636 million, a 25 point plan.. will probably go into a good deal of debt.. but everyone has debt these days:

1. Meat spin in the streets right after I hit the jackpot.. maybe even masturbate for as long as possible before being arrested, legal costs to get out of a public lewdness charge will be about 50,000..

2. Burn my workplace to the ground (this one’s a classic)

3. I’m done with snow, there will be no more snow (I don’t know how much this one will cost)

4. Buy Canada

5. Promptly Demolish Canada (these two points will cost 50 million, at least)

6. Buy a mansion in all the major US cities

7. KSwiss wants a ‘kitten room’ dedicated to 100 cute kittens

8. I’ll abide, but set a few rules: The walls of this room will have spikes installed in them and compact when the kittens become grown cats.  10 men will clean up the mess and then the room will be power washed and 100 new kittens will be placed in the room again.

9. I’m a multi millionaire now, so I will need 3 Siberian Tigers.. I’m pretty positive that every rich person in history has had a tiger or a few tigers, and was never mauled or went bankrupt.  I will also be requiring saddles for said Tigers.

10. Hire Jose Conseco as an assistant, man’s got great ideas, and a good head on his shoulders, he’ll also be a great help when it comes time to write a memoir.

11. Get rid of Conan O’Brien for good.. put his hair through a paper shredder. Tell him that nobody laughs at his jokes.. jar his tears.

12. Buy the Bobcats, hire Will Ferrell as head coach.. you saw what he did in Flint, Mich. Turned a franchise around.

13. Yacht 100 footer, triple deck, call it

14. Buy as many huskies as I can get my hands on.

15. Buy Detroit 3 Frambulances

16. Or just send everyone in Cleveland and Detroit a small hand gun and a note that says ‘every man for themselves’ hope that they wipe themselves out by the next morning

17. Sponsor a real life hunger games.

18. Buy myself into a partnership share at Comedy Central put an end to shows like ‘The Kroll Show’

19. Buy a Chipotle

20. Change TBS’ slogan from ‘very funny’ to ‘eat a dick’

21. Pay for butt jobs for all women in need that are 7s and above.

22. Invite Bill Clinton on an all expenses paid week long trip to Vegas

23. Pay Ditka $1 more than ESPN does so he can che with me on football Sundays and provide color commentary.

24. Buy my brother and I matching white ford broncos

25. Time machine

I’m leaving a lot out I’m sure but I will update…